COLIN
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to now. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his
boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You
and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was
just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I
know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and
his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to
a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss
replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known
the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among
all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,
half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the
time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks
him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said, "Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Colin?"
Sent in by Heath, Australia
GOD AND SEYMOUR
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself
greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared
it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the
inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries, and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour
again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared,
while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb,
truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for
the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna.
But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to
cook?"
Sent in by David, Canada
THIS IS ONE FOR THE CANADIANS!!!!
The penicillin claim may be a tad tenuous and there's that pesky telephone thingagain. It's interesting that Canada , the US and Scotland all claim it But Bell, who was a Scot of the purest ray, WAS based in Brantford, Ontario.,,,and always said the telephone was invented in Canada. But since he was working in Boston the first words were, regrettably, transmitted there.
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our football fields and one less down.
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers butt
10. Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin' Donuts butt
11. In the war of 1812, which was started by US, Canadians pushed the Americans WAY back...past their beloved White House'...then we burned it...and most of Washington. All of this was done under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...go figure!
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was only a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept-in and missed the whole thing...but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown American in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk. (most of the time)
21. Kentucky Fried Chicken founder, Colonel Harland Saunders abandoned the USA and came North to retire in Canada (Mississauga, ON)
22. We may say "eh" a lot but we know how to pronounce ROOF!!!
23. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
24. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
25. BUT MOST IMPORTANT!...the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
OhOOOOoohhh Yeah!!! We ARE Canadian!!!! eh!
