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Sent in By Eddy, Kingston upon Thames, England WELCOME TO MY JOLLY JOKES PAGE! 3753

As I am just getting started this page is going to be pretty lame, well... what a surprise!!!! But if you think that you have a joke, or a cartoon that would really raise the standerd of page, please send it to the email address below:


robinthegreat@hotmail.com

I would like to add that none of this is my own material, and that if you see something that you created and would like credit for it, or would like it off the site completely, please contact me using the above email address.

WAVING

While driving down Highway 416, late at night:
Did you see the guy in that van waving at us?
I think it was Van Hailin'...

Sent in by Daniel, Canada

THE DRUNKEN STRANGER

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

Sent in by Heath, Perth, Australia

LABOUR CONFUSION

 A man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help! My wife has gone into labor
and her contractions are 10 minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" the 911 operator queries.
"Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!"


LOVE YOURSELF
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill
you to wash your hands either.


A PERSONAL GIFT

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the
recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal
and sincere.


LOOKING AHEAD

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the
now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge
on everyone who ever screwed us around in the past.


LIFE

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't
looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.


DREAMS

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things
that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.


AN AMISH WOMAN

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is
pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue
you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the
Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops
across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal
abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!", instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake."


NOAH AND THE SNAKES

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling
them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing the great
doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes
sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go
forth and multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."


GODS WORK

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and
darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."


BABIES

Sent in By Fiona, Canada Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy, really," replied the proud baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."


BELL RINGER

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants
demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no
arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had
finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to
strike the bell again, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of
the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd
had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked:
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "I didn't get time to
learn his name..."

"...but his face sure rings a bell..."


SCOTTISH BASEBALL

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat
quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few
swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet
screaming "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the
game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and
screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman,
extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next
to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned
over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk
with pride, man! Walk with pride


THE RAFFLE

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night,
when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five \$1
tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle
was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long
gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were
enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper . . ."


AT THE FAIRGROUNDS

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the
Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went
on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and
landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave
once!"

All of the above sent in by David, Canada